I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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