On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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