i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
