I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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