Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
