Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
