hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Randomize
