Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
