I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
