Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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