dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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