I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
