Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
