my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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