I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
