if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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