I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
