My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
