i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
