I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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