Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
