everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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