A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
