it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
