Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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