i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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