i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
