I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
well most of my day revolves around power hour
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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