I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
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She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
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Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize