the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
