Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
