i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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