As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
