I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
