i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
