We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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