So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
