Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
