so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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