Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Sober January is a disaster.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
