I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
