I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
