i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
