Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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