My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
