She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
