That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
