I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
