Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
