At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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