U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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