You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
