either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
