I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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