Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
you had me at cake vodka
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
