I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
