Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
